Emergency
by Werbena
Summary: Funny how people meet in strange places and at even stranger hours. Nothing explicit, but strong innuendos. NOT a slash.


**A/N: Characters mentioned below are definitely not mine. The plot, however, is my own idea. Story written for pure joy of writing. Not making money from it. **

'JARVIS, are you absolutely positive?'

'Absolutely, Sir.'

'OK, so we have a serious situation on our hands.'

'Can I help?'

'Jesus! Rogers, stop creeping! You've almost given me a heart attack!'

'It could be my line, but you've maybe saved my life thanks to the habit of talking to your AI system.'

'And why, please enlighten humble me, were you sneaking to the pantry? At 3 fucking a. m.?'

'You are everything but humble.'

'Christ!'

'I second that, Cap! Barton, what in the name of thermonuclear astrophysics are you doing in the vent?'

'Avoiding making noise in the corridors?'

'Again, before Banner manages to sneak up on us and make somebody faint and somebody else fall down on his head, why is this small but useful room so crowded at this time of Saturday night? Have I missed a party invitation?'

'I couldn't sleep so I've decided to get a glass of milk and some candy bars.'

'And you, Hawk? You've never struck me as a guy with a sweet tooth. By the way, step down, conversation with a person hanging upside down from the ceiling makes me sick.'

'You're generally right, but I usually make an exception for chocolate ice – cream dressing.'

'We're out of New York cheesecake flavor so there's no use looking for dressing if your favorite ice – cream is missing.'

'I hate to break it to you, Rogers, but he's not gonna need cheesecake or any other crazy flavor. Maybe some ice cubes if you catch my drift.'

'Nah, just the chocolate this time.'

'I don't quite follow you two, but I have a suspicion it's for the best.'

'Probably so. You could have troubles with sleeping, you know, imagining sexy and deadly Agent Romanoff and…'

'Stark. Don't.'

'Too late. Look at Caps' blushing face.'

'I'm not blushing! There, milk and something sweet. Then again I'll take biscuits, chocolate seems somehow inappropriate at the moment. And before you can say anything more disturbing – goodnight.'

'Night.'

'Sweet dreams, Steve.'

'Stark.'

'Barton.'

'Where's the dressing?'

'Top left shelf, behind the rum and raising chocolate bars, Sir.'

'Thanks, JARVIS.'

'Always a pleasure, Mr. Barton. And may I suggest using the regular route? Small crack seems to develop in the nearby section of ventilation pipes. It could become a danger to all who travel through it.'

'All? JARVIS, how many people exactly prefer crawling in dusty pipes instead of walking?'

'During the last hour?'

'Last seven days.'

'Two. Usually not more than four times a day, but the busiest period was…'

'Hold it there, I've changed my mind. I don't want to know. Busy week, Barton? Don't you shrug your shoulders at me. I'm fine with your little spy – assassin romance, but would it be so devastating for you two to make out without damaging the vents? Just a small suggestion from your friendly landlord. And by the way, he's behind you.'

'Damn.'

'You son of a…!'

'I wouldn't end that exclamation if I were you, Agent Barton. I am a bit sensitive when it comes to family matters. Even in a very bad mood I wouldn't dare to use these kind of words describing both my own and my interlocutor's parents.'

'Let me guess, you have and emergency too. And a case of verbal problem making you say long and complicated things in the middle of the night.'

'No, I just wanted to give my input to the discussion and maybe do something terrifying like gluing together all your buttons and zippers. A bit of reason here, Stark, please. Are strawberries already taken or still available?'

'Lovely Lady Darcy has a craving?'

'None of your concern, Stark. Ah, thank you, Agent Barton. My favourite minion.'

'Say that again and I will make JARVIS play the recording to Darcy.'

'Threat me like that again and you will find yourself in lovely Agent Romanoff's bed wearing her lingerie. With a matching corset, fishnets and stilettos so high you'll have a déjà vu of the nest from previous incarnation's life.'

'Cease fire?'

'Accepted. My favourite… Agent.'

'Give it a break. Today, no, technically yesterday, I came across very descriptive and nauseating story of your romance. There were actually words like 'wild avian' and 'all mighty Lord of Mischief'. Internet is one sick place, I tell you.'

'Jealous? There must be at least a few with your desirable character in the centre of the plot. As for the rest – I shall not dignify it with a comment.'

'Just did.'

'Still here, Agent Barton? Anything else you need? Maybe you should share your cravings with us.'

'Better not. Tasha is not fond of advertising. And sharing, for that matter.'

'Painfully obvious. I am not interested at all, but why do you keep the lady waiting?'

'Am not. She needed a couple of minutes. Anticipation can add something extra.'

'I'm sure Darcy would agree with you. Though I strongly advise against talking with her about this subject. Black Widow isn't the only one capable of making you sleep in the vent.'

'Sorry to interrupt your testosterone fuelled word battle, but as a matter of fact I have a serious situation on my hands…'

'Then again, we could perhaps arrange two charming ladies to have a conversation and have JARVIS transmit both video and audio to a secure room. For educational purposes only. And for the sake of the old times.'

'One more reference to my brainwashed period and I will have to ask Nat to help Darcy out. Because I'm too much of a gentleman and you will be too indisposed to attend.'

'Barton, we should chat more often. It's an unforgettable experience and makes Stark pout due to negligence of his genius, billionaire, ex – playboy, philanthropist existence.'

'I hate you both.'

'Goodnight to you too. And I'll think about your suggestion, Loki.'

'Always a pleasure, Agent Minion.'

'That's it. JARVIS…'

'JARVIS, please don't.'

'JARVIS, is there a possibility of electrocuting these two while keeping myself intact?'

'I'm afraid it would be extremely difficult, Sir. Even with Iron Man suit present. Mr. Loki's tactics can have grave consequences.'

'Rats.'

'Your cue to leave, Barton.'

'Save it, God of Strange Outfits. See you two later. A lot later.'

'Thought I find you here.'

'Pepper, you needn't have to get up. I have everything under control.'

'Of course you do. My lady, your outfit is astonishing above any measure. Would you allow me the liberty of changing your husband's slippers into matching cuteness of fluff and pink?'

'Actually I might. Tony, I start to believe it would be faster to walk to a supermarket in the outskirts of New York than to send you for one simple snack.'

'What is your craving, Lady Pepper?'

'Drop it, Reindeer Games. Look, Honey, I have JARVIS as my witness, alibi and solid proof keeper that I looked for your favourite chocolates with orange filling everywhere. And I was ready to make it an official emergency and get the chocolates ASAP. But for some unforeseeable reason, I was being disturbed by various people and deities in this very pantry at 3 a. m.'

'Allow me, it's but a one simple conjuring spell. And next time, Stark, try to formulate your intents in clearer manner. I am nothing less than helpful all the time. Unless I am engaged in more important matters, for example mislabeling your music files.'

'You wouldn't dare.'

'I'd love to keep chatting but my double sends me more than bearable visual of why I should be on my way. Lady Pepper, don't waste any of the goods on Stark even if he volunteers to test them personally for poison. Every single chocolate is real, filled as labeled and without any unpleasant side effects. I wish you both pleasant rest of the night.'

'Let's get out of here, my lovely Red Pepper.'

'So eager to feed me the chocolates mouth to mouth?'

'That too. Well, actually, I didn't exactly thought about it but I am extremely grateful for giving me the idea. And honestly, I prefer not to have an awkward conversation with Banner or Thor in the pantry. And remind me in the morning to make changes in the Tower's Emergency Protocols. One more chat like that and I will refuse to leave our bedroom after dark.'


End file.
